Grief and joy and grief all jumbled together

[sugarplumkitty]

I remember when I was a kid and had spent a week or two with my aunt in Sacramento, coming over the mountains and seeing the lights of San Jose appear out of the darkness. A feeling of happiness welled up and completely filled me. I was coming home. Back to my parents, my sister, our dog and cats. I would sleep in my own bed. It was a feeling of belonging, feeling safe, loved and everything was right with the world.

How I wish life were that simple again.

We had our plans in place for my cousin Todd's wedding. Dad was feeing very tired, but he was determined to go even if he had to lie down the whole seven hours of driving. My sister and I with our husbands were going to trade off driving Dad's car and my car in a caravan to get there together. Eric and I showed up at Mom & Dad's to start the journey to find out that Dad as still in bed. He'd been up once to use the bathroom only after Mom insisted, but he'd fallen asleep on the toilet. When he came out, he couldn't stay awake long enough to get back in bed so he lay down across the foot of the bed. Bruce, my bro-in-law helped get him back into bed.

We ended up taking him to the hospital instead. They gave him fluids with nutrients since he hadn't been able to drink much for the last two days and refused to eat anything. We stayed until he improved enough to tell us to go without him. Mom said we should go. They weren't keeping him in the hospital, so he couldn't be that bad off. She was sure she could get him back home OK since he was getting better. My parents both told me to hug Todd and Judy for them. So we went to our respective homes. S & B went to trade vehicles since they weren't driving Dad's car after all, and we went home because Eric had forgotten his suit. We hit the road about 7pm. We got stuck in the Friday night exodus to ski resorts.

Sherrie and Bruce got to Yreka at 2AM. Eric and I pooped out just north of Sacramento. We didn't know the best way to get to Yreka as it turns out. We figured we had another three hours to drive. Wrong. We missed the wedding. We hurried into the church just as they were pronounced "Man and wife." Everyone was worried about us. They'd saved two special seats for us in the family section. Todd's face lit up when he saw us standing in the back.

It was a good reception and good family time except when people wanted to talk about my dad. I was trying to set that aside to allow the joy of the wedding to be unsullied by my sadness. I delivered the hugs from my parents. Todd danced with me for me, my mom and my dad. Eric and I actually danced three slow dances! It's hard to get one dance out of him normally, but Todd likes a lot of the same love songs I do, and he built the tape he played. We helped take down the decorations and delivered the stereo equipment and wedding gifts to Judy's house.

We got stuck in the homebound ski resort traffic coming home today. I just burned CDs of our photos. While I was doing that I checked in with my parents. Dad has given up. He wants to die soon because he's miserable. So Mom is calling to start hospice tomorrow. Dad wants us to go to Hawaii without him. I don't want to. None of us do.

We were all hit pretty hard by the space shuttle accident, too. Todd was apparently having some difficulty the morning of his wedding with the news about my dad and the shuttle and worrying about Eric and me. His mom had to give him a pep talk about it all.

Why can't things be simple? That's just life, I guess.

Going to bed now. Hope I can sleep.

Comments

[ainjel.livejournal.com]

Things are simple, sweetie. We're just complicated. :)





(btw, hiiiii! Sorry I've not been in touch that much lately, just livin' the life, you know... Hope you've been doing well! I still mean to send you some graphics and junk for your site, and will be pulling ahead a little later this month financially so I can finally send the music I promised you. xoxox)

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[sugarplumkitty.livejournal.com]

Thanks Ainjel. I've tried to keep up on what's going on for you, so I know you've been incredibly busy. You're a bright light in my life. *squish*

[vwsrmylife.livejournal.com]

i have to keep telling myself that life just continues and there is nothing i can do to stop it from continuing on is prescribed bath.

i read this and it bothers me...

i wish we could just step into that path and tell life to hold on one damn moment so we can collect ourselves so we can better deal with shit. life goes on it's way but who is to say we can't hop off occasionally.

have hawaii at home with your dad. dress up in fancy print skirts and grass skirts if you have to (this is all if he is actually up to it and you know your dad's personality a whole lot better than i do)

take pictures of this event with you to hawaii so that you can still have you dad with you while you are there. i know time is growing short but maybe he will hold on long enough to hear the stories from all of you when you get back.

hang in there momma.

(((((((hugs)))))))) gracie

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[sugarplumkitty.livejournal.com]

Thanks gracie. I don't think he's going to last that long. If he does, there's no way we're leaving him for one minute of what's left of his life. We almost didn't go to Todd's wedding because it was too far away.

I'm thinking that I'll ask him to send a tropic bird to land near me, look at me and cock its head to let me know he's with us when we do eventually go to Hawaii. He's not up to the other idea. He's drifting away pretty rapidly. It's a good one if he were stronger.

((((((hugs back)))))))

[yeoww.livejournal.com]

Linda,

I think Gracie's idea is great. It's a way of celebrating who your father is. When Jim's grandmother was ready to die, she took me aside and told me that she needed my help. She wanted Jim to let her go, and she knew he was having a tough time doing that, and she wanted me to help. She said that she was ready to go but could only go peacefully if she knew everyone here was going to be okay.

Hospice is a great program. It helps the family prepare, helps to ease the way for the sick person too.

I am here if you need me.

Sherri

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[sugarplumkitty.livejournal.com]

I know you're there my dear, dear friend. I may be calling if only to sob incoherently on the phone. Things are getting tougher. Knowing you're there gives me more strength to stand tall and continue on.

[falls2climb.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew what to say, but I'm without words. It's hard to find mere words that can offer comfort during something like this.

praying for you and your dad and family every night. sending much love and strength to all of you.

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[sugarplumkitty.livejournal.com]

Thanks Lauren. That's what is keeping me going.