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Things did not go well yesterday. I wasn't feeling clear-headed at all. I forgot to eat lunch. That may have been what went wrong with the Router class test because it wasn't due to noise. I was wearing earplugs rated for 32 decibels and had blissful quiet during the test. I was having terrible trouble with staying focused because I felt so tired. I got 79% and it pissed me off because I thought I understood and knew the answers to all but one of the questions.
I had a falafel wrap and a cup of coffee before I went to the lab final at 3pm. They said it would take 2 hours. My Windows class met at 6pm. No problem, right?
I should have listened to my body and put it off for a day but I'd told Jim, the loud, annoying lab instructor, that I'd take it right after the classroom test and since there are only four testing stations available with 20 people who still haven't taken it with three days to go, I needed to get it done. Plus, sometimes when I feel fuzzy-headed like that it means I'm coming down with something. I didn't want to risk getting really sick and missing the lab final altogether.
Ever since I complained about the noise the kid was making to Jim who responded that he had a six-year-old at home, he has been noisier than ever when I'm there. He took it to a new level yesterday. The workstations across the front of the room were reserved for people taking the lab final. He sat across the table from me, one position over and had ongoing conversations with anyone he could. His voice cut right through the earplugs as I tried to figure out subnetting for 10 subnets that would hold 60 hosts (workstations) each. Even with my Adderall, I wasn't able to hold my thoughts against the onslaught of loud talking. It wasn't just him. He naturally speaks at a low shout so anyone he talks to matches his volume. Anyone else in the lab, and it was crowded, had to raise their volume to hear each other over his conversation so it was a constant roar of talking. I finally told him I couldn't think with all the loud talking. He shrugged as if it were my problem and told me to relax. So I looked him in the eye and told him flat out, "I have ADD. I am on meds but they're not a cure. Even with the meds and these earplugs, the loud talking makes it impossible for me to think." With that, he granted me permission to go to the classroom next door to do the thinking part of the test.
There are windows between the two rooms so he could see I wasn't cheating. I've never mentioned to my instructors that I have ADD in the past. I don't like to lean on handicaps for special favors. In a school environment, I don't think I should have to! Aren't schools supposed to be conducive to learning?
( cut for length )After fighting with it until 5:50pm, I erased the router and tore down the cables. Jim was busy with another student so I interrupted him to tell him I had to leave for my Windows final. He asked when I'd be back and I said I wasn't sure. An hour and a half maybe? He acknowledged that I'd be back when my Windows final was over. I handed him my test and my notes so there would be no chance I'd be cheating.
I walked quickly to my car to get the class materials, having left them there so there wouldn't be any question about what information I might have hidden in my books for the router class tests. I filled out the scantron card as fast as I could, very carefully saying the question numbers out loud as I read the printed test and filled the little bubbles. I got to class before he began. YAY! He decided to lecture on chapter 12 before collecting the scantrons and going over the test questions. I tried to use the time for deep breathing, but I was too keyed up. Instead, I surfed the internet in search of a light base for the crystal cube 3D space shuttle I bought my Mom for either her birthday or Christmas. Probably Christmas since her birthday is this weekend.
When we went over the Windows Server test, I missed 11 out of 75. WTF? It turns out there are two sets of permissions in Windows Server. One is for local and one is for global. Because I hadn't absorbed the material as well as I should have, I got the wrong set for most of those questions. Then there was one that stated something as fact in the book but he chortled and said he'd given us the "correct" answer in lecture at least four times. Two of us argued that it didn't say that in the book, but he wouldn't bend. I can't listen to his lectures. He's really monotone and goes off on tangents that don't mean anything most of the time. He puts me to sleep. Heck, my lab partner is asleep too if he isn't reading Chinese news on the internet. Two hours later, we were dismissed.
Back to the router lab at 8PM. I was really hoping most of the people would have gone by then. That hope was dashed. It was more crowded.
( more tech stuff... )
I told Jim the thing had beaten me as much as I hated to admit defeat, and that once I recovered my mind I was going to fire up my router at home and replicate the thing to conquer it because I'm going to need to know how to do this in the real world.
On the way home I was trying to calm myself. But when I walked in the door and Eric asked how it all went, I said, "B's are perfectly acceptable grades, aren't they?" and I burst into tears. He actually put his computer aside and got up to hold me. He reads me so well. I'm still very upset at not doing better on all of it.
It could have been worse. I might still get A's based upon the rest of my work. But it I don't, B's are still above average. I only have to maintain a 2.5 GPA for the internship. That won't be a problem since I have a 3.7 with over 100 units. It's just that a lot of my self-esteem comes from being able to get A's. That 10 year old I spoke to in the Friday five a few days ago honestly believed she was stupid. I need to get A's to counteract that deep-seated fear that maybe I'm really a fraud and maybe I'm really stupid after all. Yeah, I know that getting a B is still a really decent grade. I need to get over myself already.
Scampi climbed right into my lap to try to comfort me when I sat down. For once, I didn't fire up my laptop. I'd had enough computers for the day. I brushed her because that calms both of us.
My nerves were so jangled that even though I went to bed at midnight when Eric did and fell asleep right away, I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare of the lab final with my muscles twitching, my ears ringing and a headache. I couldn't go to sleep for the longest time. Miss Cactus hasn't been sleeping with me for the last few weeks. She loves playing outside in the cold nights. Last night she was glued to my hip all night. I love how my kitties respond to my needs!
I thought about getting up to email Mike, my classroom instructor about the situation. But it was 3AM and I know about my tendency to mind-race in the wee hours of the morning. Mole hills look like mountains in those hours. It's my practice to not react to things until the sun comes up and shrinks those mole hills back down to size. I decided to focus instead on deep breathing and relaxation. I took inventory of things that might be interfering with going back to sleep. Nose spray remedied one thing. The rest was moving Miss Cactus a bit so I was more comfortable. After a few tries of consciously relaxing my muscles and deep slow breathing, I finally went back to sleep.
I'm still going to email Mike. The wording of how I'm going to express Jim's behavior is what's holding me back. I really don't know how much of the loud talking and smirking was just the way he is or if he was out to irritate me. In any case, I know I'm not the only one bothered by it. I'm probably the only once willing to speak up about it. The 12-step parable about nobody mentioning the invisible elephant in the living room because whoever mentions it will have to clean up after it comes to mind. But you know what? That elephant is interfering with my education. I'm having enough trouble with my own brain to let inappropriate outside interference go on without pointing it out.
I had a falafel wrap and a cup of coffee before I went to the lab final at 3pm. They said it would take 2 hours. My Windows class met at 6pm. No problem, right?
I should have listened to my body and put it off for a day but I'd told Jim, the loud, annoying lab instructor, that I'd take it right after the classroom test and since there are only four testing stations available with 20 people who still haven't taken it with three days to go, I needed to get it done. Plus, sometimes when I feel fuzzy-headed like that it means I'm coming down with something. I didn't want to risk getting really sick and missing the lab final altogether.
Ever since I complained about the noise the kid was making to Jim who responded that he had a six-year-old at home, he has been noisier than ever when I'm there. He took it to a new level yesterday. The workstations across the front of the room were reserved for people taking the lab final. He sat across the table from me, one position over and had ongoing conversations with anyone he could. His voice cut right through the earplugs as I tried to figure out subnetting for 10 subnets that would hold 60 hosts (workstations) each. Even with my Adderall, I wasn't able to hold my thoughts against the onslaught of loud talking. It wasn't just him. He naturally speaks at a low shout so anyone he talks to matches his volume. Anyone else in the lab, and it was crowded, had to raise their volume to hear each other over his conversation so it was a constant roar of talking. I finally told him I couldn't think with all the loud talking. He shrugged as if it were my problem and told me to relax. So I looked him in the eye and told him flat out, "I have ADD. I am on meds but they're not a cure. Even with the meds and these earplugs, the loud talking makes it impossible for me to think." With that, he granted me permission to go to the classroom next door to do the thinking part of the test.
There are windows between the two rooms so he could see I wasn't cheating. I've never mentioned to my instructors that I have ADD in the past. I don't like to lean on handicaps for special favors. In a school environment, I don't think I should have to! Aren't schools supposed to be conducive to learning?
( cut for length )After fighting with it until 5:50pm, I erased the router and tore down the cables. Jim was busy with another student so I interrupted him to tell him I had to leave for my Windows final. He asked when I'd be back and I said I wasn't sure. An hour and a half maybe? He acknowledged that I'd be back when my Windows final was over. I handed him my test and my notes so there would be no chance I'd be cheating.
I walked quickly to my car to get the class materials, having left them there so there wouldn't be any question about what information I might have hidden in my books for the router class tests. I filled out the scantron card as fast as I could, very carefully saying the question numbers out loud as I read the printed test and filled the little bubbles. I got to class before he began. YAY! He decided to lecture on chapter 12 before collecting the scantrons and going over the test questions. I tried to use the time for deep breathing, but I was too keyed up. Instead, I surfed the internet in search of a light base for the crystal cube 3D space shuttle I bought my Mom for either her birthday or Christmas. Probably Christmas since her birthday is this weekend.
When we went over the Windows Server test, I missed 11 out of 75. WTF? It turns out there are two sets of permissions in Windows Server. One is for local and one is for global. Because I hadn't absorbed the material as well as I should have, I got the wrong set for most of those questions. Then there was one that stated something as fact in the book but he chortled and said he'd given us the "correct" answer in lecture at least four times. Two of us argued that it didn't say that in the book, but he wouldn't bend. I can't listen to his lectures. He's really monotone and goes off on tangents that don't mean anything most of the time. He puts me to sleep. Heck, my lab partner is asleep too if he isn't reading Chinese news on the internet. Two hours later, we were dismissed.
Back to the router lab at 8PM. I was really hoping most of the people would have gone by then. That hope was dashed. It was more crowded.
( more tech stuff... )
I told Jim the thing had beaten me as much as I hated to admit defeat, and that once I recovered my mind I was going to fire up my router at home and replicate the thing to conquer it because I'm going to need to know how to do this in the real world.
On the way home I was trying to calm myself. But when I walked in the door and Eric asked how it all went, I said, "B's are perfectly acceptable grades, aren't they?" and I burst into tears. He actually put his computer aside and got up to hold me. He reads me so well. I'm still very upset at not doing better on all of it.
It could have been worse. I might still get A's based upon the rest of my work. But it I don't, B's are still above average. I only have to maintain a 2.5 GPA for the internship. That won't be a problem since I have a 3.7 with over 100 units. It's just that a lot of my self-esteem comes from being able to get A's. That 10 year old I spoke to in the Friday five a few days ago honestly believed she was stupid. I need to get A's to counteract that deep-seated fear that maybe I'm really a fraud and maybe I'm really stupid after all. Yeah, I know that getting a B is still a really decent grade. I need to get over myself already.
Scampi climbed right into my lap to try to comfort me when I sat down. For once, I didn't fire up my laptop. I'd had enough computers for the day. I brushed her because that calms both of us.
My nerves were so jangled that even though I went to bed at midnight when Eric did and fell asleep right away, I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare of the lab final with my muscles twitching, my ears ringing and a headache. I couldn't go to sleep for the longest time. Miss Cactus hasn't been sleeping with me for the last few weeks. She loves playing outside in the cold nights. Last night she was glued to my hip all night. I love how my kitties respond to my needs!
I thought about getting up to email Mike, my classroom instructor about the situation. But it was 3AM and I know about my tendency to mind-race in the wee hours of the morning. Mole hills look like mountains in those hours. It's my practice to not react to things until the sun comes up and shrinks those mole hills back down to size. I decided to focus instead on deep breathing and relaxation. I took inventory of things that might be interfering with going back to sleep. Nose spray remedied one thing. The rest was moving Miss Cactus a bit so I was more comfortable. After a few tries of consciously relaxing my muscles and deep slow breathing, I finally went back to sleep.
I'm still going to email Mike. The wording of how I'm going to express Jim's behavior is what's holding me back. I really don't know how much of the loud talking and smirking was just the way he is or if he was out to irritate me. In any case, I know I'm not the only one bothered by it. I'm probably the only once willing to speak up about it. The 12-step parable about nobody mentioning the invisible elephant in the living room because whoever mentions it will have to clean up after it comes to mind. But you know what? That elephant is interfering with my education. I'm having enough trouble with my own brain to let inappropriate outside interference go on without pointing it out.
